A Little Bird Told Me
A number of years ago, I read an article in Scientific American entitled “The Science of Gossip: Why We Can’t Help Ourselves.” Before reading this article, I considered the word “gossip” to have a negative connotation. To me, gossiping meant talking maliciously about people behind their backs. However, from this article and from subsequent reading, I learned that the word “gossip” means merely talking about others when they are not present. I discovered that gossip can be positive, negative, or neutral. I learned that, good, bad, or indifferent, gossip is a regular part of social interaction.
Evolutionary psychology is the study of human behaviors that developed in the service of survival and reproduction. According to evolutionary psychologists, gossip can be viewed as a means of furthering survival by promoting social bonding and conveying social information. In order for our ancestors to survive and thrive, they needed accurate information about the lives of others in their clan, village, and fiefdom. Having knowledge about who has power and how they exert it, who has wealth, who has limited resources, who is honest, who is dishonest, and who is allied with whom is important to those living in a social system. From primitive times to the present, we have needed to gather and confirm information about those whose behavior affects us directly and indirectly in order to have a safe and prosperous society.
Humans share information about each other with each other. We do this naturally and often. A synthesis of various research studies on gossip reported that people spend an average of fifty-two minutes a day gossiping. This research also found that 76% of this gossip is neutral, 15% is negative, and 19% is positive. While I have no reason to refute these findings, I wonder if what was seen as positive or neutral in a structured research study might not be seen as benign in the complex arena of personal relationships. I think well-meaning gossip can sometimes result in a negative outcome. For example, a woman—I’ll call her Susan—came to my office very upset about her sister’s “betrayal.” Susan was newly pregnant, and she told only her parents, her husband’s parents, and her sister about her pregnancy. Because Susan had been through two miscarriages, she wanted this news to be kept confidential until she was safely close to her due date. Even though all agreed to keep this information to themselves, Susan’s sister was so concerned about the possibility of another miscarriage that she shared the news with her closest friend. She told the friend to keep the news in confidence, and the friend agreed to do so. However, the friend told another mutual friend, and the news got back to Susan on social media when another mutual friend posted: “A little bird told me that you’re pregnant. Congratulations!” Susan was upset and confronted her sister. The sister defended herself by stating that she needed emotional support for her worries about Susan and she did not want to upset their parents by talking to them about her fears. Is this information that was shared without the knowledge and consent of the person talked about positive, negative, or neutral? The sister’s gossip turned out to have a negative outcome even though the intent was not malicious.
Susan’s information was shared with any number of people before it got back to her. That it remained accurate after being passed along is unusual. As a rule, the more people the gossip passes through, either in conversation or in text, the more distorted it can become. As children, we played the Telephone Game where the players sit in a circle and the first player whispers a phrase or a sentence to the next person. Then that person whispers what he heard to the next person, and the pattern is repeated until the last player reports what she heard. What the original sentence ends up as is mostly unrecognizable, usually funny, and sometimes alarming. Much of our communication with each other resembles the Telephone Game. I recently received a phone call from an acquaintance asking me how I was doing after my Achilles tendon surgery. Since my surgery was fifteen years ago and I have been fully recovered for some time, I was baffled by her call. A few additional calls and texts revealed that my friend heard the news from someone who overheard me answering a question from another person whose husband was about to have Achilles tendon surgery. The overhearer thought I was talking about myself and reported it without clarifying the facts. I am constantly reminded that, even with the best of intentions, communication is susceptible to being corrupted as it travels from person to person.
Despite the pitfalls of gossiping, we are motivated to talk about each other in order to bond emotionally, to entertain ourselves, to exchange information, and to maintain social order. Research reveals that when we hear about injustice or anti-social behavior, our heart rates increase, and we experience distress. However, when we actively gossip about the person or the situation, our heart rates return to normal, and we feel soothed. Research also reveals that the caudate nucleus, a reward center in the brain, can be activated by gossip, thereby triggering feelings of pleasure. The caudate nucleus is especially fond of negative gossip about celebrities. Perhaps this is why many people trust gossip, no matter how outrageous or unbelievable it may seem. We are biologically wired to enjoy gossiping.
If engaging in gossip is a biopsychosocial imperative, how can we ensure that this activity furthers rather than damages personal and societal well-being? Before we speak to each other about each other, we should ask ourselves the following questions:
How much of my daily conversation is spent talking about the lives of others rather than about my own activities, goals, experiences, and interests? Am I living vicariously through others’ lives instead of developing a richer personal life?
Is my conversation about other people motivated by genuine interest in them or by my own feelings of jealousy and insecurity?
Do I think about the possible impact of my gossip before I talk about another person? Am I aware that even neutral or positive gossip can have an adverse result if I am revealing personal information that is not mine to share?
Do I confirm the truth of the rumors I hear before I pass them along to others? Do I rush to judgment when I hear something negative about another, or do I give the person the benefit of the doubt? Do I consider the source before I believe a rumor?
Before I share critical thoughts or a negative story about someone, do I ask myself why I am sharing this with one particular person vs. another? Do I avoid sharing such information with people who might disagree with or challenge me?
Is the content of my gossip chiefly complaints and criticism, or is it mainly interesting facts and amusing anecdotes?
Do I feel close to others when I share experiences, thoughts, and feelings that we have in common? If so, how can I achieve this closeness without maligning others?
Generations of our elders have said: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Sometimes we have to share complaints, worries, disappointments, and concerns that Grandma might consider to be negative talk. But we can be soothed by others when we share worries, and we can be supported by others when we share difficulties. We can do this without damaging others’ reputations. Gossip is how we bond with each other. It is how we learn about how others approach life. With the right intentions, gossip can be interesting, fun, and sometimes even inspirational.